Such a funny thing for me to try to explain how I’m feeling and my pride is the one to blame

*NOTICE: SUPER vulnerable post below*

I spent the weeks leading into this weekend mentally preparing myself…I was excited about February 14th and the opportunity to write about different kinds of love: God’s love, friend love, family love, self love, etc… However, leading into this week I started seeing THAT post trending on my Facebook wall and it was a barrage of the one type of love that consistently evades me: romantic love. Honestly, it is something I long for but it always seems to be outside of my grasp. Despite my friends telling me that married life isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, I still feel like single life isn’t all it’s cracked up to be either and it often leaves me feeling exhausted.  All of this emotion, all of this reflection culminated in a good ol’ fashioned crying fest…you know the one…puffy eyes, snotty nose, the whole nine yards. The following section was my vent session in my journal:

“So I’m sitting here…a couple of days before Valentine’s Day and I am sad. I am sad because of this stupid VDay trend on Facebook…It’s just a consistent reminder that no one wants me. That’s right, everytime I get someone they choose someone else…there’s got to be something wrong with me and I don’t know what it is and nobody will tell me what it is. 

I’m just not good enough for anyone except God, lol.

Hopefully one day this will not make me cry and make me feel left out or discarded so I’ll just repeat it until I’m unaffected.

Nobody wants me. Nobody wants me. Nobody wants me”

As depressing as THAT sounds, I woke up the next morning INSTANTLY filled with regret. The following is the response I wrote on the next page:

“My heart hurts this morning especially after a good crying session last night. That is not who I want to be. That is not the posture I want to assume. Jesus, restore the hope in my life for a significant other. I am so pessimistic when it comes to that. I don’t want to grow accustomed to that. I want a heart full of hope for all aspects of life. I don’t want to laugh when people ask me if I’m dating someone or to question what’s wrong with me. I am a good person with a good heart. I am a kind person with a kind heart. I am a beautiful person with a beautiful heart.”

This is not to collect sympathy or a virtual “there, there”. It’s an honest look into what goes through my head (and probably others’ heads) around a day that celebrates romantic love. 

And to let everyone know that love IS all around in different shapes and forms and none of it is better or means more than the other. In that aspect I count myself extremely fortunate.